A Letter to My Mama
I blogged my way through losing Daddy and every single post your encouragement was there, your gratefulness for my words, your love for me shining through.
So how am I supposed to do this, Mama? How do I struggle through the losing of you without you being there to tell me you are praying for me? That you love me?
I can’t see the screen through my tears, yet I must write. My words have been jumbled up inside of me for too long. I have tried to be sensitive to the hurts of others, never wanting my words to upset others. My words have slowed down. Homeschooling the kids has consumed much of my time. Taking time to write has felt impossible.
But then I remember how you have appreciated my words, how they have encouraged you, how you have told me to keep writing and once again, I am drawn to this place. Because I can’t tell you. I can’t call you up and tell you that my heart is breaking and I feel adrift on another sea of anguish. I can’t tell you how I cried in the bathroom with the fan on, because my kid’s hearts are breaking too and I didn’t want them to hear me. I can’t tell you about the book that Lindsay is writing that you will never read (you would love it!). About how Ethan asked me if he could read out loud to Gibson the other day (knowing that you would understand why this is a big deal). How Gibson had to write “I will not lie. Lying is a sin.” twenty five times for a punishment the other day (and the reason why we would laugh about that!). About how Ainsley has been wearing a scarf you made for Lindsay almost every day (and how we can’t turn around in her room without seeing something you made!).
I want to tell you about the mudroom bench that your son-in-law has been making. I want to talk with you about the fact that I am finally going to make it to Mexico next year (I’m sobbing again!). I want to tell you that I haven’t had time to type up any more of Daddy’s sermons and how I hate that I won’t finish this project in time to honor you.
I love you, Mom. I know I haven’t always been good at loving you, but I am so grateful for your forgiveness. Thank you for your love for me and your willingness to grow in your understanding of me. Thank you for saying “I’m sorry”. I didn’t know how much I needed that until you said it.
Losing Daddy has given me the desire to live intentionally, not taking anything for granted and so I am grateful for these past 3 years of being able to share life with you so freely. This will always fill me with thankfulness.
Thank you for making our house a home. Thank you for demonstrating through your selflessness how to care about others. Thank you for showing me how to be a pastor’s wife and for unknowingly preparing me my entire life to support my husband in ministry. Thank you for working diligently to help provide for our family. Thank you for making countless ring bologna sandwiches for my lunches, for faithfully attending every football game to watch your girls march in the band, for taking me to violin lessons and advocating on my behalf to find a new teacher, for giving us $1 and a kiss when we went to Knoebels, for sewing many dresses (my favorite will always be the long white dresses over the red blouses!), for teaching Good News Club, leading VBS and heading up Mission Minded Kids. Most importantly, thank you for being the one to pray with me to accept Jesus into my heart.
So when you say “Bye, I love you, I’ll see you in heaven”, it tears my heart in two, but it also gives me great joy, because you have given me the two greatest gifts in life- you chose to give birth to me even when the doctor told you to consider abortion AND you led me to Jesus and faithfully taught me to love him more and more. Through all of that, you have never stopped praying for me. I know you love me, you have proven this, and I will see you in heaven, because you faithfully shared Christ with me!
I love you, Mama. Always have, always will.
Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. ~Joshua 1:9