I don’t know what to say

The blank page stares back at me, the cursor blinking in defiance. And I don’t know what to say.

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say. Rather I have too much to say. But I can’t seem to find the time to say it. Life has been full and deep and relentless of late. I have been working hard at keeping our home organized (please don’t look in my kitchen right now though!!!). I am working on four major projects. I am reading more than ever (and that is a lot!). It is birthday party season in the Daye household and the end of the school year with all of its festivities including a preschool graduation and a 5th grade graduation.

And I don’t know what to say.

Here.

In this space that used to be an easy one for me to share my heart. Now I find myself struggling to open this page. I avoid it where I used to anticipate writing here.

But I wonder if this is exactly what God desires for me in this season.

I have a tendency to over share. There are times when I just can’t help myself and I have to be reminded (gently, please!) that it is okay if there are things that I keep close, that only a few know or maybe only my God knows.

I remember my first relationship with a boy. I wanted to share everything about myself. But as I started to share- I like hot chocolate, not coffee (boy, how things change!), my favorite color is green (some things never change!)- I realized that I kind of bored myself. I was 18 and besides a few things that were awesome (like my trip to Australia!), I was not very interesting.

In my heart, I vowed that this would change! I wanted to be interesting, so I started trying new things. I discovered that coffee was amazing. I found out that city life was just as natural to me as living in the country. I ate a fried caterpillar and discovered that I could eat pretty much anything (once!). I went on dates with many boys (I even went on a date with an ex-convict).

My life became interesting and I discovered something along the way. The more interesting my life became, the less I felt like I had to prove myself to others. I was comfortable in my own skin.

And maybe that is where I find myself right now. I don’t feel the need to share every thought that I have or every teachable moment. My blog is becoming less of a journal and more of an important moments blog. Perhaps I am finding my niche? My voice?

I’m not completely sure on that. What I am sure of is that I love to write. But I don’t need to write in this place in order to feel fulfilled.

Maybe it’s good to not know what to say sometimes…

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